There is an interesting thing that happens when I tell people that I'm an Intimacy Leader. When I say that to men, they ask if I focus on sex. One guy even asked me "oh, like put this there and do this?" For women, they are intrigued and ask me to elaborate. They jump to taking intimacy to mean more than just physical contact.
Well, it really is about combining the physical with the emotional.
Today's post is focused on S-E-X. You know that kind of sex you see in movies like The Notebook, that everyone thinks is pure fantasy? Is that passionate, steamy, un-inhibited sex really real? The kind of sex that is so intense that you get lost in the moment and don't even notice how sweaty or out of breath you are. If you've never experienced that, do you want to? Why?
Because that is the type of connection that goes beyond logic and gets to the love you can feel when you trust someone so completely that you let go of your insecurities and let them see and experience all of you.
I believe that can happen on a first date, that can happen after dating a few times or even years after being married. In a romantic relationship, that separates out why you chose this person to be your partner, even if your libidos and desires are mismatched.
So, how do I know this? Because I've experienced it. I first experienced a breakthrough in my own connection with a passionate lover. We only connected on a physical level and weren't meant for partnership. I thought that was the only way to get what I wanted in bed. Now, however, as I'm dating men with the intention of finding a long-term, committed relationship I'm still experiencing that type of intense physical closeness.
How can you get there? It's not about a formula, it's about self-awareness. Keep in mind these three things:
1) Sex is pleasure and exploration.
This begins with understanding your own pleasure. Exploration doesn't have to happen with a partner. If you don't know what your fantasies are, take some time to discover them. Personal pleasure can be about climaxing, but don't forget it's about what makes you feel good - REALLY good. Getting comfortable in your own skin and admiring your own body, in whatever shape you are in, is key to getting what you want from a partner. If you do something you want and it leads to feeling uncomfortable or shameful, it doesn't mean it's bad. There could be beliefs you're holding onto that once released will allow you to experience the full goodness of that act.
2) No desire is wrong if the intention is love.
Have you fantasized about a tryst in public? How about taking everything off but a singular piece of clothing while making love? Maybe it's a little more dirty and you want to use restraints or explore anal play? Releasing judgment around what you might want to do with someone or to someone because you are sexually attracted to them and filled with a sense of desire for them is important. Why? Because the other person might want to do the same thing! The key to allowing that release is TRUST.
Trust is a choice and through communication and action you can decide whether or not you trust this person to indulge your desire and have it be a meaningful, enjoyable experience. When you don't trust someone and choose to act out a desire with them, that leads to your discomfort, creates more room for shame, and ultimately becomes a negative power struggle. That is not ultimately what you want.
3) How your partner reacts has nothing to do with you.
If your partner is not indulging your fantasies or seems uncomfortable with your request, it's not because your desire is gross or bad. They maybe uncomfortable with it because of a past experience, or maybe they have other negative feelings around it. If that's the case, use it as a chance to engage in a dialogue. This is where the emotions and deeper intimacy comes in.
It's important to have a safe space to discuss these topics. Instead of having this conversation while you're getting naked or in the act, try bringing it up ahead of time. Think of it as another exploration phase. Using phrases like "I really like when you do ______ to me, how would you feel about adding ____?" Even "if we tried ____ would you find that sexy?" Ask them, "is there anything new you want to try?"
Remember, if you trust the person you are with, there is sexual attraction and you want to explore your desires with this person - go for it!
Still don't believe you can have that type of passionate physical connection with someone? Tell me why in the comments below. Or, share if you've experienced this type of connection in the past.