Shocking...I’m not perfect. Even more shocking...I don’t care.
Of course, I really do care. I want to be the best version of myself as often as humanly possible. I care about the effect I have on those around me. I care about making a positive impact in the world. I care about being a good neighbor, sister, daughter, friend, family member, partner, lover, employee, co-worker, etc. I care about inspiring people to live their most joyous, adventurous life. I care about supporting people who need it.
But, when I’m failing, or not being particularly “good” at any version of me, I am still loveable AND I still love myself. That doesn’t mean I let myself off the hook, either. When I’m a bitch, when I’m angry, when I’m inconsistent, when I’m tired, when I’m hangry, when I’m complaining too much, when I’m being “bad” with my money, when I’m being selfish, when I’m taking people for granted, etc - I don’t hate myself.
Instead, I try to love myself even more fiercely - recognizing where I can shift into showing up more (the parts of me I can change), and where I can settle into a deeper acceptance of who I am (the parts of me that aren’t going to change and make connecting with another important). I move toward my vulnerabilities and get curious about what’s going on.
When you see your imperfections as “bad”, it’s much easier to deny, suppress, or ignore the truth of them. In relating to others, it’s often much easier to get defensive, draw a line in the sand, or make the other person wrong, than it is to take responsibility for your part in a conflict. It takes a ton more courage to see, accept, and soften into the truth of your imperfections and take responsibility in a way that helps both of you. It helps you grow for the better, and it helps the other person take responsibility for their part.
That’s where the practice of intimacy is.
The first step in the practice of intimacy is to acknowledge. Acknowledge where you’re at in the current state - neither a good nor bad judgement, just see where you’re at. Honor your truth in the moment and be willing to actually look at it regardless of how uncomfortable it might be.
The second step is acceptance. Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Everything in your life has lead you to this very moment - it’s been an accumulation of learning, knowledge, and (hopefully) wisdom that’s helped you get to this very moment. There’s a reason you’re here and you are still going. You have the capacity to grow and heal even more.
The third step in the practice of intimacy is recognition. Now, is the time to start allowing a little bit of “judgment” in. It’s still neither about being good or bad, just asking “is this where I want to be?”. Recognition is also about practicing that fierce self-love in service of what you want to change. You can recognize what needs to shift in order for you to get where you want to be and gradually work towards that - knowing the destination is the journey, not that place of “perfection”.
So, when you practice getting intimate with yourself, you might begin to see your life shift. You might start to see your values deepen, and priorities change. You might start to feel more alive and more real - no longer existing just on a surface role.
At the end of the day, only you have the ability to know if you’re living truly as your best (as much as possible). Only you have the ability to know if that’s important to you or not. And, only you can do anything about it.
Your relationships, your community, your opportunities, your fulfillment, etc, might be reflections of where you’re at, but you are the true judge. Those things around you aren’t to be comparisons, but guides as how much value is derived by your contributions.
When you’re not living your best, it’s hard to look at what’s in the way and accept it (because really all it takes to see the obstacle is to look in the mirror - really, you’re in your own way). But, if you do it in a way that offers love, forgiveness and a deep commitment to being better you might just experience some perfectly, real, incredible moments
Photo by Louis Hansel @shotsoflouis on Unsplash